Why Aren't The Women I Attract Hot Enough?

I've been getting a number of questions from males, of all ages (20s through 60s) that all seem to ask the same question, which I will condense into one tragic appeal:

"Why do I not attract women that I find attractive?  Why are they not thin and sexy?  Why, also, do the women that I am attracted to seem to want men who make a lot of money? I myself am a quote unquote 'good guy' and I make a normal amount of money, but apparently women I want don't want just an average salary. Why are they being so unreasonable?"

Dear Pot Calling the Kettle Black,

Ok, am I missing something?  How can a man who wants a hot woman then complain that women are shallow enough to want money?  These questions reminds me of this guy who complained that women only like rich guys, to which I replied (spoiler alert): that's not true at all.  But money is a nice bonus, as I am sure you guys would think too, if you met a hot woman that was also loaded.  Anyway, if you are preoccupied with women's looks, then why in the world would you find it silly for women to want a nice, comfortable lifestyle?  Evolutionarily (read more about this in What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire), women want a man who can feather their nest and care for their offspring, whether or not they have offspring.  Similarly, men want women who look fertile (so fit and healthy) even if they don't want offspring.  This is how we are wired.  How is one understandable and one not?

Furthermore, if your main criterion in a date is her physical attractiveness, you may be conveying this preoccupation to your dates, who then don't really think you're looking for a soulmate, and may just think you're a shallow jerk.  I'm not calling you shallow myself, but myopic and unable to see functional equivalence between genders.  It is your call what you want in your partner, but don't be surprised when your partner has her own desires.

In the simplest terms, by reducing your primary dating desire to "hot woman," you're basically requesting an exchange in the marketplace of dating.  This usually goes like this: you get a hot woman if you have something to offer her.  Why?  Because hot women are in demand, as you realize.  So, men vie for the attention of hot women with valuable commodities, such as: humor, their own good looks, sex appeal, being a really interesting or smart person, prestige, kindness, security (emotional or financial), and whatever else.  This is simple economics.  Would you try to barter your model airplane collection for, let's say, the Hope Diamond?  And then be hurt when the trade was laughed at?

Also, I would just like to point out that when guys aren't complaining about hot women only liking rich guys, they are complaining about hot women only liking "bad boy"/loser types, which are the exact opposite.  So maybe hot women, and women in general, like both security and excitement, and money is a proxy variable for one, and a certain je nais se quoi (attitude, motorcycle, whatever) is a proxy variable for the other, and a woman picks whichever based on her personality (and also where in her menstrual cycle she is, according to research), or, hopefully, a guy who shows signs of both.  Similarly, men also like security and excitement, so sweetness and nurturing behaviors are a proxy variable for security, and hotness/sexiness is a proxy variable for the other.  Sometimes they like one, sometimes the other, and sometimes both in one person if they are lucky.

So, my average income friend, if you really want a hot woman, understand that she is sought after and therefore she is choosing from a wide range of guys with a range of things to offer.  You can try to lead with humor or kindness, but if that hasn't worked so far, let's assume you're lacking in those categories or your ability to express them.  Therefore, you can try to make some more money (or at least don't be cheap with the money you do have), or you can try to enhance your appeal in other ways, like by cultivating a skill that hot women like (maybe not being judgmental about women's looks, or growing your penis or something).

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Come On People, Some Things Are Obvious.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.