Noted Bostonian Ben Affleck owns a chair shaped like Tom Brady’s helmeted head. And: it would seem the Gigli actor commissioned this sporty objet d’art specially, a custom face throne to terrify his young son.
Affleck admitted to all of this in an appearance on Thursday’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! He also brought pics so we know it happened. Speaking to his sports buddy, Affleck recalled taking his kids to a Patriots game, explaining in painstaking detail the mystery that is Boston’s bleeding love for the team. Affleck’s son, a 6-year-old named Samuel, didn’t get it. Imagine that! Samuel politely let his father finish his impassioned spiel before calmly — but, I imagine, firmly — telling him, “Dad, you’re from Boston. I’m from L.A.”
Samuel’s failure to feel the innate “tragic pain” that allegedly comes with Boston roots plunged Affleck into an “existential crisis.” He dealt with it by calling a bunch of his Masshole friends to make over Samuel’s room, plastering patriots emblems all over the walls, building in a football slide that actually looks pretty fun, and installing this nightmare seating: An oversize bobble head with the brain scooped out.
Now, while many people view Brady as a villain, Affleck unabashedly loves him. He also has a documented history of forcing his athletic preferences on others, so perhaps I should suspend my surprise. But I can’t stop thinking about waking up in this room in the middle of the night, the urge to pee driving me sleepily toward the slide when suddenly, a patch of moonlight spreads across my chair’s shadowed face. The whites of its staring eyes look momentarily alive, glinting malevolently at me through the dark, and I never make it to the bathroom.
I hope dad turns the face toward the wall at bedtime.
Anyway, Affleck didn’t say whether or not his son enjoyed/appreciated the gesture, so I can’t confirm that Samuel lives in fear of this giant haunted doll’s head. Jennifer Garner, Affleck’s ex-wife, reportedly found it “creepy,” which, yes. What I can tell you is that this piece of very regular fan art would seem to be one-of-a-kind: the most comparable item that surfaced in a quick Google shopping search is this $8,500 replica Patriot’s helmet, roughly the size of a truck cab. Until I see evidence to the contrary, I think the only reasonable assumption we can make here holds that Affleck designed this monstrosity himself, and that he sits on Brady’s face chair daily. The real question is: Does Brady know?